Kang and the MetaKidnapping
by PPP SSC
Summary: A humorous story told by Comic Book Guy proving nothing but my excessive geekiness for voice credits. No slash, sorry. Includes characters not referenced in any of my earlier stories and the dynamic duo, etc.


Kang and the Meta-Kidnapping

Now, my fellow geek, I have a story to tell you. There was once upon a time a blip in the space-time continuum. A blip that happened right here, in Springfield. I was in the back of my store as usual, finishing off a delectable burrito while trying to avoid getting it on my brand new TNG T-shirt, when that Simpson brat and his geeky friend (I know, I'm a big fat hypocrite, but who cares?) walked in cheering loudly.

I put my chubby hands over my ears and cringed. I couldn't explain what they were so cheery for. Bart explained oh so eagerly, "Our principal is missing!"

"Oh dear," I said, "Well, if it turns out he comes back in the middle of the day, you two will be caught as truants." Suddenly their effeminate showoff of a friend panted into the store as well.

"Oh, there you are," he said in that high, feminine voice of his, "I was just walking in here because I don't know where the bus driver went."

"Otto's gone too?" Bart asked disappointedly. I was assuming there was some sort of school staff meeting going on but I could have been wrong.

What's-his-name (the geek) became worried. "What if," he said, "Other people in town have gone missing too?"

I decided to do some investigative research. Naturally, I wanted to sit behind the desk and play _Spore _all day long, but that would have to be put on hold, because right outside the Android's Dungeon stood Chief Wiggum and he looked awfully puzzled. Since he was the only man in town who didn't make me feel self-conscious about my weight, we had talked a few times.

I walked over to him. He didn't know where his employee, Eddie, had gone.

"I guess he finally resorted to suicide", Lou said.

I was very alarmed at this point… there was no logical reason for a police officer to go to a staff meeting at a school. Any Spock fan could tell you that.

I noticed all of the sudden, the lights turned out in the Android's Dungeon. No _Spore _for me, I guess. All the lights in town had gone out. "What the hell?" I asked as I wandered out. It would, my weight and body composition considered, take a very long time and a lot of work, to walk across town looking for explanations. Three disappearances and a light shortage were very odd indeed. Odder so were the fat, albeit not as fat as I, and skinny men singing together drunk and walking.

"Why, hi, Comic Book Guy! What brings you here?" the fat one asked.

"What am I doing 10 feet in front of my store? Trying to figure out why the lights went out," I answered humorlessly.

"What a coincidence," the skinny one said. "I was just… hic… looking for Lenny. You see, our boss and his assistant didn't show up for work so we just decided not to go."

I slapped myself in the forehead at that revelation. NOW I know why the lights went out. Why is every person in this town except me a reprehensible moron!? It was at that moment I passed out from a sudden heart attack.

When I awoke I was abhorred to learn that I had been receiving help from…

"Hi everybody!" the little quack interrupted my thought processes.

"Where's Dr. Hibbert?" I demanded, "I need competency!"

"Oh, don't you know, I think he got eaten by a snake. But don't worry, in the summer months, the doctors eaten by snakes can use laxatives to get out."

Simultaneously impressed by his ability to refer to a Japanese shaggy dog story and horrified by his utter ineptitude as a physician, I tried to run away but unfortunately I tripped and fell. I got back up and kept walking until I ran into a man with curly brown hair and glasses. It was the traffic reporter.

"Kent Brockman is GONE!" he shouted in his super-tenor.

I asked smarmily, "So?"

He immediately began to jump for joy saying, "I'm free! I'm free!"

I noticed a peculiar theme among the missing. They all had eerily similar voices. As I pondered this statement, I ran into two redhead boys, crying their eyes out.

"WE LOST DADDY!" the shorter one screamed while the taller one cried into the crevice of my right knee. "What did we do? We love God!"

"Why don't you talk to the minister?" I asked.

"He's gone too!" shouted his wife walking down the street, in a voice not dissimilar to a heron. Now all of this was very peculiar. I wanted to go get some weapons to defend myself in case the snatcher came back. I wanted to buy them from Herman's military antiques because the Sarcastic Man always painted a moustache on Dali when he met me, and besides, Herman is uber because he only has one arm. (Don't tell him I said that.)

But when I got there, Herman was gone!!! I futilely hoped that he had, like me, gone out to investigate, but I doubt it.

I saw an old man wandering around. "Stupid Monty Burns. Steals my Jackie and my Jasper!" he shouted.

"Jasper?" I asked curiously.

"He's my best friend and he's gone missing!"

That was enough to make my case known. Indeed, more than 10 people in town had gone missing. There wasn't even time for me to look for the others before…

Down from the sky came a flying saucer. Two aliens walked out. The one in front shouted, "Oh boy! This is the most fun trip ever."

There must have been a good 17 people wobbling out of the flying saucer at that point. An old man with a beard staggered over to his best friend. Before poor Arnie could say "It was too good to last", Kent Brockman had found him once more. Mr. Burns collapsed from exhaustion and his (total closet case) assistant caught him, despite feeling woozy himself. Eddie quickly found Chief Wiggum and Lou—the latter nearly crying in relief.

And the two boys did get their father back, and he swore, "This never happened".

Dr. Hibbert reprimanded Dr. Nick for being an idiot. Three men I didn't recognize walked toward the school—I'm assuming they were all staff, even though one of them wasn't mentioned as missing. The drunks were reunited at last. The minister walked down to the church. "Good lord" he said, "That was quite a trip!"

"Hey, Dr. Marvin Monroe, I thought you were dead!" Dr. Hibbert shouted.

"No," the psychiatrist replied, "I was in space with Kang the whole time. And I liked it so much I had to go again."

Apu's _brother _of all people was among the kidnapped, along with a judge and famed actor Rainier Wolfcastle, known for McBain and the modern portrayal of Radioactive Man. And Herman had somehow grown a second arm.

"Yeah," he said shadily, "This was a present I got from flying through space."

I was disappointed until he tore it off without injury.

"Psych!" he yelled, but all I could think about was this one TV show on USA with two characters named Shawn and Gus. Yes, we were reunited again.

"I'm sorry, but we were having an exclusive party and you couldn't attend." the first alien said.

"And unfortunately," the second alien said, "You can't come to mine either."

As he…

"She!" the second alien demanded.

Eerie. As she said that, she beamed up that clueless kid at Krusty Burger, Krusty himself, and others. As Bart's father was snatched away, his sister asked me a question. "But why would Kang and Kodos kidnap the people they did instead of anyone else?"

"Elementary, my dear Lisa," I began, "The reason is…"


End file.
